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Gratitude [Dec. 11th, 2008|08:45 am]
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To YOU -- to the Universe of friends and complete strangers who are now friends:

Since Friday I've been trying to come up with the words to express what your outpouring of support has meant to me and my mother, but no matter what I start to say it all sounds like trite bullshit, just platitudes. Inadequate, tired, meaningless -- "you filled us with love" and "you gave us hope" and "I am thankful from the bottom of my heart" and even "there are no words" has become too trite for this immense living flood...

Maybe if I describe how I've been feeling, and how my mother has been feeling it will make truer sense.

Most of Friday I spent in bed, weak and anemic from bleeding, and later when I checked the computer and saw ALL OF THE MESSAGES and the posts and the immense comments, I started to cry. My 76-year old mother asked me what was the matter and I told her. She -- from what I could tell -- did not quite believe me that this was going on, or maybe she did not understand exactly, and it did not sink in.

I've been bawling on and off, stopping, starting again, then again, still weak but slowly doing better on Saturday. And then on Sunday the bleeding stopped completely, just like that (it usually does when things get better psychologically -- I know this from the last 5 years or so of this stress-bleeding, it hits like clockwork with really bad news and stops when I get some kind of reprieve. Usually it takes me a couple of days to recover and if I eat and drink enough the anemia and weakness disappears quickly enough, as it did now, I am about 80% back to normal).

As the blood stopped leaving me but the weakness remained, and I continued to lurk online when I could get up out of bed on Sunday, not able to type or post much, since only my desktop is attached to the internet (the ancient laptop is not) and I have to type standing up due to severe pain of sitting at a desk chair -- the pain of the new pinched nerve that echoes through the leg had added itself to my chronic bouquet, so I type on the desktop as little as possible, or use the laptop to compose on a better padded chair, then transfer the post or email over with a memory stick.

Anyway, as the TRUTH of the SITUATION started to sink in, there was a strange lightheaded feeling. A very unreal sense of floating between the usual thousand pounds of obligations (me on the bottom of a crushing ocean, chronic, eternal) and some kind of strange lightness of reprieve, impossible, unbelievable. I was mostly in a daze, unable to post, mostly unable to UNDERSTAND. Those of you who called me on the phone over the weekend probably could sense how sort of idiot-mode I was in, not making much sense. Also, as many of you know I don’t usually answer the phone since it's mostly collector harassment calls or telemarketers, so if I missed your call, sorry!

My mother... I kept on telling her the new numbers and the donations coming in have reached, and the auction. And while still during the weekend, she still did not quite understand, and was saying how good people are, and maybe it will help things now. Yesterday when a really large generous anonymous donation came it, it finally sank in to her, and she started to CRY. And she could not stop. And she kept crying and saying, what kind of blessed kind person it is that would do something like that?

Yesterday the plumbers gave us an estimate to fix the line, and I was scared and at the same time filled with the sense of "it's going to be OKAY," don’t worry, the universe of friends is taking care of this, unbelievably, impossibly.

The plumbers are working on the sewer line now. There are two huge holes in the back yard from yesterday, and today the large machine will come in that will crush the old sewer line so that they can insert the new one. I am waiting for them to get here in about an hour. And I am a little scared, (back of my head, one part of me is reeling that I am doing this major repair) and I did write them a small partial down-payment check yesterday, but I know that I can write the rest (the bank is still clearing the deposits now, and I told the plumbers I will finish the payment on Monday -- just to be sure the bank clears everything).

Meanwhile, my mortgage check for one month is written, placed in the envelope, stamped and ready to go. I am waiting to mail it, again for the bank to clear the other deposits to handle this payment. I will be using this first one-month's payment as leverage in my negotiation with the refinance process that is going to be happening (I will not give them all the back money in one lump sum this month, not unless absolutely necessary). They are still considering my paperwork that I faxed in last week, and this payment will show them I am ready and anxious and willing to get back on track.

And yesterday I went to the local small Russian grocery (they have affordable vegetables and fruit, unlike the supermarkets), and bought some food for us. Good fresh food. Mom and I ate fresh, thanks to all of you.

There is really nothing that I will ever say or do that will be adequate to repay your support and efforts on my behalf. First and foremost, my immense eternal gratitude to Rose Lemberg rose_lemberg and Deirdre Saoirse Moen dsmoen who pulled me out of the pit of despair and organized this, and spent precious days of their time non-stop handling it all, despite being sick with the flu! They kick-started me back to life, and you -- ALL OF YOU -- gave me the oxygen to breathe.

I am amazed and unbelieving that so many people could do so many generous things, for a complete stranger, in many cases. I could never name all of you but just highlights -- John Scalzi donated his awesome story and the wonderful publisher Bill Schafer of Subterranean Press matched the contributions. Friend and wonderful fellow author Alma Alexander anghara wrote a story just for me that broke my heart when I read it. My dear Norilana Books authors Sherwood Smith sartorias, John Grant realthog, Catherynne M. Valente catvalente, and numerous others, donated their books, rare items and stories. Other friends donated crafts, artwork, services, songs, tuckerizations, rare one-of-a-kind collections, rare out-of-print books. My dear fan and friend Anastasia Rudman reminded me with her loving donations that I have readers who need me to keep writing. Another dear friend Amy Sterling Casil, went out of her way in her generous help, or starshipcat who posted and discussed ways of helping. Complete strangers with kind hearts donated their last money, a dollar or two from near-empty bank accounts or PayPal accounts -- many of them close to my own situation of dire need... Authors and editors and agents and publishers and other fellow members of the SF and publishing community pitched in to post, or donate or in other myriad ways to help.

There is nothing I can do or say or promise that is adequate.

I can bow to you in the ancient folk Russian way -- bending over deeply at the waist, with my right hand over my heart.

The way maidens do in the old fairy tales.

Maidens bowing before kings. Before the great populace, the teeming multitude that is the World.

You are my multitude, and I am diminished into humility by your flood of presence.

And in your flood I am your instrument, from now and always.

Forever paying forward.

Love and Amazement,

Vera Nazarian
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Comments:
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[User Picture]From: queenoftheskies
2008-12-11 05:02 pm (UTC)

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::HUGS::

You are well-loved.
[User Picture]From: pisica
2008-12-11 05:04 pm (UTC)

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I found out about this fairly late in the day and my jaw dropped.

But you deserve it.

Sometimes the universe works.
[User Picture]From: coppervale
2008-12-11 05:11 pm (UTC)

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You are loved and respected, Vera - and we are all in this together, after all. And it was as much a blessing to the rest of us, to be able to do whatever we could to help.

Very happy your stress is passing.

Bestest,

James

(BTW - I DID do that review of Cat's poetry I promised, and pimped her books at Norilana several weeks back!)
[User Picture]From: greeneyedkzin
2008-12-11 05:15 pm (UTC)

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It was a privilege to participate.
[User Picture]From: estara
2008-12-11 10:28 pm (UTC)

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I feel the same.
[User Picture]From: realthog
2008-12-11 05:17 pm (UTC)

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James/coppervale has more or less said what I was about to say: really it's us who should be thanking you, dear Vera, for being you.
[User Picture]From: brigidsblest
2008-12-11 05:23 pm (UTC)

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That your tears this time come from something happy and wonderful rather than the opposite is what makes such weeping okay. I consider that the chance we were given to help is only just recompense, given the joy we've had in your work for so long.
[User Picture]From: jonhansen
2008-12-11 05:26 pm (UTC)

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Merry Christmas, Vera.
[User Picture]From: suricattus
2008-12-11 05:29 pm (UTC)

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Blessings of the season... may the New Year bring only brightness for you and your mother.


[User Picture]From: moon_happy
2008-12-11 05:48 pm (UTC)

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Not to be a spoil sport but don't forget to set aside money for income tax on this windfall.

You know, I think everyone involved and who knows you just feels so good today! You are the bright spot that has bathed us all in good.
[User Picture]From: guppiecat
2008-12-11 08:35 pm (UTC)

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While Vera should obviously consult with a tax expert, the general consensus within the community is that a windfall that is made up many small contributions is not subject to income tax. That is why rose_lemberg and dsmoen are spending so much time on the bookkeeping.

The few large anonymous donations may be subject, but the bulk of the money from from small donations and auction results and are likely exempt.

(Oh, and hi Vera, we've not met, but I'm glad you're feeling better. :)
[User Picture]From: erzebet
2008-12-11 06:03 pm (UTC)

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Rock on, Miss Vera. Rock on. :)
[User Picture]From: wolfsilveroak
2008-12-11 06:16 pm (UTC)

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I was simply glad to be able to do my little bit.

[User Picture]From: starshipcat
2008-12-11 06:23 pm (UTC)

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Many of us are so close to the edge ourselves that we know that if things were a little different, it could easily be us. And of course we would want someone to be there for us, so we try to give forward. But not in a merely mercenary sense, but more of a sense of making the bed in which we would want to lie.

My greatest pain was not being able to do anything financially, so I tried to make up for it by giving what I did have to give -- my connections to other groups, and my knowledge about search engine optimization and the power of the grass roots.
[User Picture]From: anghara
2008-12-11 06:30 pm (UTC)

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Sometimes the Universe stomps on us all unaware, without even realising that there was a soul there to crush. Let's just say that I was glad to be able to at least help lift the weight off this time around.

Happy New Year, my friend.
[User Picture]From: samhenderson
2008-12-11 06:36 pm (UTC)

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It was a pleasure to participate.
(Did you get my e-mail about getting you glasses?)
[User Picture]From: ebenbrooks
2008-12-11 06:42 pm (UTC)

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We're all happy to help.

And I'm serious, if there's going to be any kind of celebration shindig, I'll provide the music, completely free of charge. I'll even donate my CD sales profits to the cause.
[User Picture]From: marthawells
2008-12-11 07:01 pm (UTC)

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So glad this was successful and that we could help!
[User Picture]From: jmward14
2008-12-11 07:16 pm (UTC)

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Martha said it so well. Here's to better times. Best wishes, Jean Marie
[User Picture]From: comrade_cat
2008-12-11 07:23 pm (UTC)

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Your stories, storyteller, are more than payment already. I was just paying back.

I am so glad you get to keep your house & fix the sewer line! & believe me I know about stress-related illnesses, although mine are all confined to my brain chemicals so far.

*Sends many fuzzy kittehs who bring back bread for you* (Just like I'm reading about in my Russian folklore book!!)
[User Picture]From: sartorias
2008-12-11 07:50 pm (UTC)

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S very, very glad that you will soon have a safe water system, and that that nasty mortgage hell is in the way of being fixed. Here's hoping this will clear the way for you to do all your wonderful creative things.
[User Picture]From: tiferet
2008-12-11 08:30 pm (UTC)

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I am so glad that this has happened for you, and so glad also that I found you here :) You probably don't remember me--I'm a friend of caprine's.
[User Picture]From: aberwyn
2008-12-11 08:32 pm (UTC)

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And may your health and your mother's improve fast and permanently!

From: xterminal
2008-12-11 08:41 pm (UTC)

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We lurves you, woman. :)

(btw, backchannel me your snail-mail address at xterminal at gmail dot com? I will eventually have a small package to mail you...)
[User Picture]From: winterknight
2008-12-11 08:41 pm (UTC)

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It was a gift to be able to contribute to this. I have been ill so long, usually I have nothing much to give, but that's not the case anymore. At last! I'm so happy that I could do something, anything, to change something that was going wrong in the world. Helping you has reminded me of my old skills, and I'm grateful for the chance to help.

Best of health to you and your mother, and may all of your troubles be quickly sorted. In the new year, may all of your phone calls be from friends. :)
[User Picture]From: aithlyn
2008-12-12 01:30 pm (UTC)

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I am so glad you pointed me to this worthy cause, so happy that I was able to give a little and receive so very much in return.

This has put me in the holiday spirit, big time!! :D

A thousand thank yous!


[User Picture]From: dsmoen
2008-12-11 08:42 pm (UTC)

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Okay, now you made me cry. :)

It's a good thing.
[User Picture]From: threeoutside
2008-12-11 08:42 pm (UTC)

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We were all delighted to be able to help. Keep us posted - we're all hoping you and your mom are already feeling better and continue to do so! All bests to you.
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